A Wish Comes True
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
Universal excuse form.
The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
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Dear
a) Mom
b) Dad
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
f) Near & dear friend
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
f) Snow Mobile
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
f) Ski Doo
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Mistress
d) Cub Scout troop
e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond
f) just shoot me
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joking around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Me
Where's the Manager!
A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing some work right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him" she says - "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room!"
The Talking Monkey
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
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